Stories From the Southern Side

STORIES FROM LIARS, FRIENDS AND THE INNOCENT.

                The Taylorsville Social

The newly built pavilion at the corner of the four way stop was filled to capacity.The band was tuning up their instruments and the people were thick as fleas on a dog's back, yet in a festive mood. The noise and talking almost drowned out the band's efforts to tune their instruments.

Paul Langston, the Alderman at large, (or large Alderman as his wife calls him) worked his way through the crowd and set his cup of hot steaming coffee on the edge of a table while he stuffed a chew of Taylor's Pride in his jaw.

Soomeone bumped the table hard enough to turn the hot coffee over into Mr.Robinson's boot as neatly as if it had been a planned affair. He started jumping around stomping his foot on the ground and yelling. The band thought he was doing the Tennessee Clog and broke out into a rendition of "Fire on the Mountain, Run Boy Run." Two young ladies joined Mr. Robinson dancing on the floor. That was when Mrs. Robinson noticed her husband dancing with two young women and all hell broke loose.

      DOODLES-The Mischevious Manx

                A Friend in Need

Coming onto the clearing,Doodles saw a scraggley Tom with one ear split in two parts, his yellow teeth bared, slowly slinking toward another feline standing in the middle of the clearing. Doodles stopped short and just stood there and stared. She was a white cat with long slender lines and the prettiest blue eyes he had ever seen. Doodles fell instantly in love with her. While he watched, scraggley Tom inched closer and raised a paw with his claws extended ready to get on with the fight. The white cat raised her paw in return but there were no claws extended. "You cannot fight if you do not extend your claws," Doodles thought. Tom made a swipe but she was fast enough to get out of the way. She raised her paw again but once more no claws. It was then that Doodles relized  she had no claws to fight with. Doodles jumped in between the two of them with his claws extended. Turning sideways to make himself look larger, he raised a paw to let Tom know if he wanted to fight then come and get it. Tom must have been beat with a stupid stick because he jumped at Doodles and started to fight. Doodles was stronger, faster and in addition he was angry at Tom for beating up on such a pretty white cat. In less than two minutes, Doodles whipped Tom like he was a borrowed mule.

  THE COMMODIAN

Later that day as the assigning of military service numbers were being done, each recruit ws called up to the front of the room and given a number he was told to memorize and never forget. That was the number that would identify them, was unique to them and was the one thing they could not share with anyone else in the military service. As Cornelius MClaughlin was called up to the front of the room, two events merged that would label him for the rest of his military career. One event was ongoing and was a popular radio program about an insurance investigator named Connie Mack sponsored by Juicy Fruit chewing gum. The second event was the presence of an inductee by the name of Tyson from Texas. When Cornelius McLaughlin's name was called out, Tyson screamed out, "CONNIE MACK."That name stuck to Cornelius like ugly on an ape and stayed with him for the rest of his life.

 JOE PUDD

If he had not been half way ignorant and all the way stupid, Joe Pudd would have been a dead man. As it was, he was facing Sheriff Ezekial Lucerne trying to explain why he tried to rob a Seven Eleven store in broad daylight during the busiest part of the day. After a series of questions and interpretation of some of the dumbest answers he had ever heard, Sheriff E Z, as he was known around the county, was able to ascertain the jest of what had happened. Evidently, Joe had gone into the store at noontime with the intention of robbing the place. Joe figured that the store had all the money still in the register and the time was ripe to strike. Walking up to the counter, Joe produced  his gun and demanded money under threat of death to the clerk if she didn't comply. When she did not move fast enough for Joe, he decided to help her. In the process, he laid his gun on the counter and reached for the cash drawer. The clerk saw her chance, grabbed the gun and yelled at Joe to get his hands up while she dialed 911. Joe decided to run for it. The clerk decided to fire at Joe and pulled the trigger several times training the gun on Joe, but the gun did not fire. Smart boy Joe forgot to load the weapon!

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     THE REDNECK P. I. 

My name is Langston Barber Sullivan but folks have always called me 'pounds' because of my initials. I am a Private Investigator with more experiences and sea stories than you could imagine or would want to hear. I am sort of a wise ass so others tell me but I get the job done usually in the timeframe I tell you I will. I used to be on the police force in Jackson, Mississippi but resigned after six grueling years of putting up with useless regulations,  whinney bullshit and political backstabbing prevalent throughout the rank and file of most law enforcement agencies. I'm a retired Navy Seal with combat experience and can kill you with one hand behind my back if I need to. And I just might have to kill a few folks to get this case of the senator's daughter solved. I invite you to come along with me, there is never a dull moment. 

FIBS, FABLES AND FEELINGS

   Spare Me My Burden 

This particular Sunday Pastor Simms had a plan to get the congregation involved. Spying Sister Bulah's Bible lying on her pew while Sister Bulah herself was halfway down the aisle visiting prior to services starting, he slipped a twenty dollar bill into its center. After singing was over and the sermon was about one half over, Pastor Simms had the congregation worked up to the point where he wanted them. It was time to prove that God provided whatever we believed he would provide. To prove hIs point he invited Sister Bulah up front with her Bible;

"Sister Bulah, do you trust me?"

"Yes, you know I do."

"Give me twenty dollars."

"I don't have twentydollars."

"Open your Bible, Sister."

She does and holds the twenty for all to see.

"Give me the twenty dollars Sister Bulah."

"I think not Pastor."

"why, ..uh..uh..why..uh..why not?"

"If the Lord had of wanted you to have it, He would have put it in your pocket. He must have wanted me to have it since he put it in my Bible."